ICMPNH Reloaded
by Radioactive
Summary: After three weeks of waiting, I'm back, and I'm better than ever, here to help you remember what it's like to fall off your chair in laughter with a little story I like to call ICMPNH Reloaded. Enjoy.
1. Gift from a Friend

Author's Notes: It's good to be back.

**ICMPNH Reloaded**

**Chapter 1: Gift from a Friend**

Somewhere, in that big city that the rebels always go to, in some building that I can't remember the name of, the security guards woke up and began to leave.

"See you tomorrow."  
"Not if I can help it."  
"What?"  
"Nothing, nothing..."  
"Right..."  
"Hey, look up there!"  
"What?"  
"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"  
"It's a motorcycle!"  
"It's Superman!"

"No, it really _is _a motorcycle."  
"Oh, yeah."  
"AAAAH!"

Trinity felt the rush of air on her face as she soared through the air. She pushed off her motorcycle and did a triple back flip, and landed on the ground...the wrong way.

_CRASH!_

"Ow! Son of a...!"

She got up and took out her cell phone.

"I'm in."

She walked into the building and up to the top floor. She opened a door in it and saw an agent in the room. She took off running towards the window and she dived out, the agent following her seconds later.

The agent whipped out his .45.

Trinity whipped out her water pistol. Then, she realised that she had taken out the wrong thing, and took out an Uzi. They began firing at each other in mid-air. Sparks flared from the two barrels as bullets whizzed past the two of them.

The two of them knew that the fight would end soon, and one of them would be dead. Which one would it be? Well, I'll tell you. Trinity.

A bullet flew through the air and shot Trinity straight in the chest. Her eyes began to roll up into her head, and her body began to fall to the ground. And just as she was about to his the ground—

Neo woke up.

"Whoa."

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the hovercraft Nebucadnezzar whizzed through the caverns at full speed. Inside the cockpit, the technician, Link, and the captain, Morpheus, were talking to each other.

"Sir, are you sure about this?"  
"I told you, Tank, we're going to be fine."  
"I'm not Tank."  
"You're not?"  
"No, I'm Link."  
"Where did Tank go?"  
"I dunno."  
"I see."

"Anyway, it's just that I'm picking up lots of sentinels in this place."  
"Link, I don't know why you volunteered to be on this ship, I don't know why you think that dreadlocks look good, and I definitely don't know who the hell you are, but if you're going to be on my ship, you have to do one thing."  
"What's that?"  
"Tape 'Blue's Clues' for me."  
"What?"  
"You heard me."  
_"Fine."_

"Oh, and trust me, too! That's another good one."  
"Yeah. Whatever."

"Good. Now re-patch the main AC to the hard drives and stand by to broadcast."

Link stared at him. Morpheus groaned.

"_Press the blue button and flick the yellow switch," _he muttered.

"Yes, sir!"

Meanwhile, in Neo's cabin, Neo sat on his cot, his head down. Trinity walked in.

"Still can't sleep?"  
"No."  
"What's wrong?"  
"It's these dreams."  
"What about them?"  
"They scare me."  
"I have nightmares, too."  
"But, these are, like, _visions_, you know? Like, psychic stuff."  
"Creepy."  
"Totally."  
"Well, I bet these dreams aren't even going to come true."  
"Oh, yeah? You're on! 50 bucks they come true!"  
"What...? Oh, fine."  
"Yes! I am _so _gonna win that $50!"

Trinity rolled her eyes and walked out of the cabin.

"What is it with this crew and betting?" she muttered to herself.

Back in The Matrix, the rebels were having a secret meting in a dark room somewhere. The captain of the hovercraft Logos, Niobe, was speaking.

"We just got word from the Osiris."  
"The Osiris?"  
"Yeah, the hovercraft."  
"Never heard of it."  
"It's from the Animatrix."  
"Oh, yeah. You ever seen that?"  
"Well, I saw some demos on the website, but I didn't actually buy the DVD."  
"Ha. Who would?"  
"A loser."

"Who likes to waste money."  
"Anyway, the machines are digging down from the surface towards Zion. We must defeat them as soon as we can."  
"When will that be?"  
"Next movie."  
"Aww, man! We have to wait that long?"  
"Yes. It's very stupid."  
"Totally."  
"Anyway, they're coming to kill us."  
"Mutha..." murmured Tirant, captain of the Novalis.

"They'll avoid the entire perimeter defence!" cried Soren, captain of the Vigilant.

"How fast are they moving?" asked Ice, captain of the Caduceus.

"Hey, wait a minute! I'm not captain of the Caduceus, I'm captain of the Gnosis! Ballard's captain of the Caduceus!"

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Okay, let's try this again.

"How fast are they moving?" asked Ice, captain of the Gnosis.

"There! Much better!"

"They're going at about a hundred meters an hour."  
"Shit," grunted Ice. "How deep are they?"

"About two thousand meters."  
"What about the scans from the Osiris, whose captain's name is Thadeus?"  
"One," said Ajax, captain of the Icarus. "They can't be right. And two, why did you say Osiris' captain's name?"  
"I dunno."

"Anyway," said Niobe, "Those scans form Osiris could be right."

"But that would mean..." murmured Ajax.

"That'd mean there are a quarter of a million sentinels out there," murmured Kali, captain of the Brahma.

"That's right," responded Niobe.  
"That can't be," muttered Ajax.

"Oh, but it can," said Niobe.  
"No, it can't," said Ajax.  
"Yes, it can!" said Niobe.  
"No, it can't!" said Ajax.  
"Yeah!" said Niobe.  
"No!" said Ajax.  
"Yeah!" said Niobe.  
"No!" said Ajax.  
"Ya-huh!" said Niobe.  
"Nuh-uh!" said Ajax.

"Ya-huh!" said Niobe.  
"Nuh-uh!" said Ajax.  
"Nuh-uh!" said Niobe.

"Ya-huh!" said Ajax, not noticing that he had been tricked.

"HA!" yelled Niobe. "You just admitted it!"  
"Aww, crap!"

"Scary, ain't it?" said a voice, coming up from behind them. The voice was from Morpheus, captain of the Nebucadnezzar.

"Morpheus, glad to see you could join us," said Niobe.

"My pleasure."  
"No, it's all mine."  
"No, mine."  
"No, mine!"  
"No, _mine!"_

"_Mine!"_  
"MINE!"  
_"MINE!"_  
"MINE TIMES INFINITY!"

"MINE TIMES INFINTY PLUS A MILLION!"

"MINE TIMES INFINTY PLUS A MILLION AND ONE!"

"MINE TIMES INFINITY PLUES 2!"

Morpheus paused.

"Dang it! You always win!" he muttered. "Anyway, with all those sentinels, there's a machine for every person in Zion. That sounds like a machine's thinking to me."  
"'Machine's thinking'?" asked Niobe.

"Yeah."  
"But, machines don't think. They just..._do."_

"Well, yes, until AI was invented and the agents took over the world."  
"Oh, yeah. That sucked, didn't it?"  
"Yeah, totally. Anyway, as you all know, with all of the sentinels everywhere, it has been increasingly hard to find a good place to get together and talk. I'm starting to think that the Zion Book Club was a bad idea."

"You got that right," said Ice. "The sewers are crawlin' with 'em."

"And if Niobe's right," said Ghost, captain of the Ganesha, "In three days, there's gonna be a quarter of a million more."  
"What do we do?" asked Ballard.

"We do what Lock told us to do. Evacuate the sewers and hide like schoolgirls in Zion."  
"And does Lock know how to fight off 250, 000 sentinels?"  
"No."  
"Ha."  
"I mean—um—yes! Yes, of course, of course he does!"  
"Right...and, what is it?"  
"Umm...uh...it's...er...it's top secret! I can't say!"

"Of course you can't."

Trinity walked up to Morpheus.

"What are we gonna do, man? I'm freakin' out here!"

"Well, we _could _stay in Zion and do as Lock said, or..."

"Or?"  
"Or...we could stay behind and break the rules."  
"Oh, god. Goodbye Matrix, hello Harry Potter."  
"No, it's in case the Oracle tries to contact us! One of the ships should stay in the Matrix just in case!"

"But, that would mean letting you disobey a commander's order," said Ballard. "We can't let that happen!"  
"Oh, come on!"  
"No."  
"Oh, come on!"  
"No."

"Oh, _come on!"_

"Oh...fine. You can stay."  
"YES!"

Author's Notes: Yes, I looked up the corresponding ships with the names of the captains on the internet. That's why they're so exact. Hey, this is my first A/N that isn't at the beginning or end of a chapter! Cool!

A man walked slowly towards the door of the building the rebels were in. He knocked on the door. The guard, Corrupt, opened the slot in the middle. Coincidentally, no one had trusted Corrupt since Cypher snapped (well, with a name like Corrupt), so he was in a bad mood.

"Yeah?"

Corrupt looked through the slot and saw that the man had drove up in a car. The car's headlights were still on, and the light against the man silhouetted him, and Corrupt couldn't see what the man looked like.

"I'm here to see Neo."  
"Okay, one sec."  
Corrupt turned from the door.

"Neo!" he called.

"Yeah?" called Neo from the basement.

"Someone's at the door for you!"  
"Who is it?"  
"I dunno! Some guy with a bad American accent!"

"Oh, tell him I'm not there!"  
"Okay!"

Corrupt turned to the door.

"Neo can't come to the door right now. Can I take a message?"  
"I just wanted to give him this. A gift for setting me free."  
"Sure. Fine. Whatever. Wait, free from what?"

"From being an agen—"

The man stopped himself suddenly.

"Uh...from being an...agein' man. Uh, yeah, that's it. He gave me a youth potion and it stopped me from ageing. Now I'm not an agein' man anymore! He...he..."

Corrupt stared at him.

"Okay, whatever."  
The man handed Corrupt the item. The man smiled and began walking towards his car.

"Naïve human," he laughed to himself.

"Who's naïve?" asked Corrupt.

"Um...no one..."

"Uh-huh. I'm gonna close this slot now, and then I'm gonna walk away."  
Corrupt closed the slot, and then he walked away.

Neo came up to him.

"Corrupt, who was that?" asked Neo.

"How did you know someone was here?" asked Wurm.

"Who are you?" asked Neo.

"Wurm."  
"And, the audience knows that...how?"  
"I dunno. Larry and Andy just figured they'd assume I was another guard named Wurm."

"I see."

"The guy wanted me to give you this," said Corrupt, handing Neo something that he thought he'd never see again—Agent Smith's earpiece.

"Get out of here. Agents are coming."  
"They are?"  
"Yes."  
"I bet they're not!"  
"Um...I'd say 'you're on', but I've already got four bets going on with Morpheus, three bets going on with Link and two bets with Trinity, so my hands are kind of full."  
"Aww..."

"Anyway, scram."  
Corrupt and Wurm walked off.

Three agents burst through the door.

"There he is," said one of them.

"The Systemic Anomaly."

"Hey, wait for the Architect scene, man."

"Sorry. Anyway."  
"We can take him."  
"After all, he is."

"Only human."  
"Why do us agents only speak in sentence fragments and never talk for more than 3 seconds?"

"I don't know. I never really."

"Thought about it. Me."  
"Neither."

"Let's do."

"This thang."  
The agents ran at him.

Johnson launched an uppercut at him. Neo leaped down and scissor kicked Johnson in the chest. Jackson jumped over Johnson and lunged at Neo's face. He headed for a chokehold, but Neo blocked him with an arm hold and sent a shoyruken to the side with his other. Thompson ran up and shot a backwards roundhouse at him. Neo ducked and kicked him with a reverse backspin, and then I have no idea what I'm saying. I just put a bunch of verbs and fighting moves into this paragraph. All you really need to know is the Neo did a lot of kung fu and the agents were knocked out.

Meanwhile, outside, in the parking lot, two men walked up to each other. One of then was the one who had given Neo the earpiece, Agent Smith.

"Well, that went as expected," he said to the second man.

"Yes," said the second man.

"Sentence fragment!" yelled Agent Johnson from inside the building.

"Shut up!" yelled the second man.

"It's going exactly as before," said Smith.

He smiled at the second man.

The second man looked, sounded, and acted exactly like Agent Smith. In fact, the second man _was _Agent Smith. There were two of them now.

"Well, not _exactly _as before," said the second Smith with a smile.

"You dare contradict me?" snapped the first Smith.

"Well, I was just—"

"NO ONE DISAGREES WITH ME!" roared Smith. "DIE!"

"Oh, crap," muttered Agent Smith.

Author's Notes: Like usual, you read, you laugh, you review. Me? I'll just wait until Warner Bros. comes around with a 3-picture deal.

Hey, the first chapter of both my stories have ended with an agent muttering "Oh, crap." Let's see if I can do it for Revolutions!


	2. Homecomings

**Chapter 2: Homecomings**

* * *

"What happened?" Morpheus asked Link on his cell phone.

"I dunno. Agents just suddenly appeared. And then the code got all weird."   
"Is—"

"Hey, wait a second...why do you still have a cell phone? Didn't Neo drop your phone in the first movie?"   
"No, this is a different phone. I have a whole room filled with cell phones."   
"Oh."   
"Anyway, is Neo alright?"   
"'Alright'? You shoulda' seen him! He's rough, he's tough, and he don't take no guff!"

"Aww. Now I feel bad that I didn't see it."   
"Ha-ha!"

"Shut up. Where is he now?"   
"He's doing his copyright breach thing."

At that moment, Neo was flying through the air like Superman (registered trademark of DC Comics). Eventually, he landed...somewhere...I can't remember...

The script I'm using sucks.

He took out a cell phone.

"Where are you?" he asked.

Something might have happened between here and where I'm about to go, but I can't remember.

Stupid ...

"This is the Nebuwhatever on approach to Gate 3," said Link into the headset.

"Gate 3 ready," said the person in the big white room.

"Sweet."   
"Door's made, bed's open. Welcome home."

"Umm...I'm going to pretend to understand that...hey, where _are _you anyway?"   
"I'm in a big white room."   
"Why?"   
"Because I got locked in here."   
"Ha-ha."

Later, the Nebu...uh...the _Nebu _docked, and Neo, Morpheus, Trinity and Tank—er, _Link_, got off the ship and went down an elevator to the docks. Captain Mifune, captain of the Vishnu, greeted them.

"Morpheus."   
"Mifune."   
"Neo."   
"Mifune."   
"Trinity."   
"Mifune."   
"Neo."

"Morpheus."   
"Trinity."   
"Neo."   
"Trinity."   
"Um...do I know you?"   
"Yeah, it's me, Steve."

"Um..."   
"I'm your stalker."   
"Oh."   
"Yeah."   
"Nice to meet you."   
"Nice to meet _you_!"

"Pleasure."   
"Can I take pictures of you in your sleep?"   
"No."

"Too late."   
"Huh?"   
But Steve was already gone...

Ooh! Dot dot dot! Suspenseful!

Anyway.

"Are you here to escort me to the stockade, Captain?"

"I'm just ridin' the wave, baby."   
"Cool."

"Excuse me," said the other guy, "But Commander Lock demands—"

Mifune coughed loudly.

"What's the matter? Sore throat?" asked the guy.

"Grrr...no, I was trying to subtly tell you to not say 'demands', but that train has sailed."

"Oh, right! Okay, let's try this again."

AGAIN'd!

"Are you here to escort me to the stockade, Captain?"

"I'm just ridin' the wave, baby."   
"Cool."

"Excuse me," said the other guy, "But Commander Lock demands—"

Mifune coughed loudly.

"Oh, my bad. Commander Lock de-quests your presence."   
"Whatev."

Mifune, Morpheus, and the other guy walked off.

There was a pause. Neo began to cry.

"I MISS THEM!ï 


	3. Peace and Control

Author's Notes: Firstly, to anyone who hasn't already, I highly suggest reading my first Matrix Story, Insert Clever Matrix Parody Name Here. You can find it on the second page of Matrix stories, or you can just check my story list in my profile. Oh, and if anyone has been wondering, this is where I get the name for this story. You know, ICMPNH Reloaded? Stands for Insert Clever Matrix Parody Name Here Reloaded? But ICMPNH Reloaded is a lot shorter? Get it? Oh, I'll just go on with the story. Oh, and to paranoidxdesire, of course I will do the entire story. If I didn't, I would kill myself.

**Chapter 3: Peace and Control

* * *

** Inside the one room in Zion that the rebels didn't make into an actual room and just left it as a cave, on a big, conveniently shaped rock balcony, Councilman Hamann stood, speaking to the crowd. 

"Tonight, let us honour these men and women. These are our soldiers, our warriors. These are our husbands and wives, our brothers and sisters, our children. These are our servants, butlers, maids, personal chefs."   
Everyone in the cave was staring at him.

"Oh, right! I guess you public aren't rich like the council. Oh, well. You win some, you lose some. And now, to finish this speech that was supposed to be a prayer but was really just a way for me to get attention, please welcome Morpheus!"

Loud talk-show theme music played as Morpheus walked onto the balcony.

"It's great to be here!" said Morpheus. "But before I plug my new movie, _Blue Man Group: The Movie_, I would like to say a long, weird speech. Zion! Hear me!"

"We _can _here you! You don't have to tell us!"

"It is true, what many of you have heard. The machines have gathered an army, and as I speak that army is drawing nearer to our home."   
"Ooh, ahh," said a guy in the back.

"Believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us. But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first shed our fear of it! I stand here before you now, truthfully unafraid. Why? Because I believe something you do not? No! I stand here without fear because I REMEMBER. I REMEMBER that I am HERE not because of the path that lies BEFORE me, but because of the path that lies BEHIND me! I remember that for 100 YEARS we have fought these MACHINES. I remember that for 100 YEARS they have sent their ARMIES to DESTROY us. And after a CENTURY of WAR, I REMEBER that which matters MOST. We are still HERE!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, what? I stopped listening after a few seconds," said a guy in the back. "Nice William Shatner impression, though."

"TONIGHT let us send a MESSSAGE to that ARMY. Tonight let us shake this CAVE! Tonight let us TREMBLE these halls of EARTH, STEEL, AND STONE!"

"Wait a minute—steel? There's steel in these caves? And we've been using Lego to build Zion! That stuff costs, like, 5 dollars a box, man!"

"Let us be heard from RED CORE to BLACK SKY. Tonight, let us make them REMEMBER. This is ZION! And we are not AFRAID!"

"Yay," said a guy in the back.

Loud, annoying music began playing.

_Can't touch this!_

_Can't touch this!   
Can't touch this! Oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh!_

_Can't touch this! Oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh!_

And then, everyone in the cave started dancing. But, since it was a cave, and the entire room was made out of rock, and for some reason the entire ultra-advanced civilization of Zion didn't wear shoes, it hurt very much.

"Ooh! Eee! Ahh! Oww! Eee!"

Meanwhile, back on the balcony, Niobe looked over to Morpheus and said, "I REMEMBER. You used to dance. You were pretty good."

"I've never danced before."   
"Are you sure? I remember you danced at the Christmas party. You got up on the table, put a lampshade on your head—"

"Shut up!"

Niobe smiled.

"Some things never change."

"Why do you always say that?"   
Lock, who was on the other side of, once again, the conveniently shaped rock-room, called, "Come on, Niobe!"   
"Some things do change," said Morpheus.   
"And some things don't."   
"I know. You don't have to say that."   
"But saying that some things do change is an equally obvious statement—"

"Niobe, come on!" yelled Lock. "I'm gonna miss Scooby-Doo!"

"Gotta go," said Niobe, and she walked off.

Morpheus paused.

"Damn! I missed my chance to ask her out!"

Meanwhile, back on the...um..._dancefloor_...

Man, this is a weird scene!

Neo walked up to Trinity.   
"Hey."   
"Hi."   
"I missed you."   
"I can tell."   
"How?"   
"I can read minds."   
"Cool."   
"I know what you're thinking."   
"Really? What?"

"You're thinking you wanna have sex with me."   
"Uh..."   
"Let's go."   
And then, there's a weird montage-type-thing, where everyone dances and Trinity and Neo have sex. Creepy.

But after a while, Trinity noticed Neo looking upset.

"What is it? Did you think of all the innocent victims Apple has claimed?"   
"No, it's..."   
"What? You can tell me."   
"Don't interrupt me!"   
"Sorry."   
"It's just—"

Trinity held Neo's hand.

"See this? I'm never letting go."   
"Thank you, Interrupter Jones!"   
"Sorry."   
"Oh, and yes, you will let go. And many times, from what I can see in the Revolutions trailer I downloaded."

Meanwhile, outside, on a balcony somewhere, Morpheus surveyed the huge city as the lights began to turn off and the city began falling asleep.   
"Goodnight, Zion. Sweet dreams."

A guy was walking by him as he said that.   
"Can you _only _talk in metaphors?"   
"Pretty much, yeah."

Also meanwhile, two rebels ran into the warehouse nervously.

"You alright?" asked Bane, the first one.

"I'll be fine," said Malachi, the second one. "Did you see that Agent? He was like, 'Oh, no you di-'nt!' and we were all, 'Oh, yeah, we did!' and he was all—"

"Shut up."

"Sorry."   
"Anyway, we've gotta get out of here. You go first."

Malachi reached for the phone.

Just then, Agent Smith jumped down from the roof and landed painfully.

"Weeeeeeeeee—! Ow!"

"Oh, god," said Bane. "Let's go!"   
Malachi picked up the receiver.   
"What are you doing?" cried Bane. "Don't leave me here!"

Malachi paused.

"Mmmmm....nah."

He disappeared.

"Crap."   
Smith walked over to him.

"Hey, wanna see a magic trick?" he asked.

"Okay, sure."   
"I bet I can turn you into Jell-O!"   
"Okay, you're on!"

Smith stuck his hand into Bane's stomach. For a moment, Bane was made out of a strange gelatin-type thing, and then he went back to normal.

"Whoa. That was weird," said Bane. "I look the same, but now I have a sudden urge to make a long boring speech before a kung fu sequence."

Agent Smith groaned.

"Oh, crap! You're not Jell-O! I always get the trick wrong."

"Well," said Smith-Bane, "At least I can help you kill Neo."   
"Oh, yeah! Cool!"

A few hours later, Neo stood on a balcony outside his apartment, staring blankly into space.

"Need some company?" asked Councilman Hamann, coming up behind him.

"Whoa! Hamann!" cried Neo. "You scared the bejeezus outta me!"

"Hey, that's my line!"   
"Shut up, Cypher," said Neo.

"I understand if you'd rather be alone," said Hamann.

"No, I could use some company."

"Good. I'm scared when I'm alone."   
Hamann looked out at Zion.   
"Nice night," he said.

"Wait a minute," said Neo. "If we're underground, how do we know when it's night and when it's day?"   
"I had the lighting system preset to go off at 10:30. It used to be just 10:00, but that's when The Simpsons comes on."   
"I see."   
"It seems like such a peaceful night...everyone seems to be sleeping so peacefully."   
"Not everyone."   
"I'm afraid of the dark."   
"I see."   
"And because since I was asleep the first eleven years of my life, I guess I'm making up for it."   
"You were unplugged when you were eleven?"   
"No, I had narcolepsy."

"Oh."

"Why aren't you asleep?"   
"I dunno. I guess I just haven't been able to sleep much lately."   
"That's good."   
"Why?"   
"It's a sign that you are, in fact, human."   
"How?"   
"Because if you go a few days without sleeping, you die, and dying is a very human occurrence."

"Thanks for the pleasant thoughts."   
"Welcome. Have you ever been to the control room?"   
"No."   
"Wanna see it?"

"No."   
"Well, I'm gonna take you anyway."   
Hamann grabbed Neo by the arm and began dragging him.

The control room was a huge room with several gigantic machines, doing all the maintenance work for Zion.

"People don't usually come down here, but I always do. I find it comforting."   
"But, all these machines are doing the work, while the humans of Zion do nothing."   
"What's your point?"   
"Well, isn't that why the Earth's robots rebelled in the first place a hundred years ago?"   
"Umm...no."   
"Oh, okay."

"Anyway, see that machine over there?"   
"No."   
"It has something to do with recycling our water supply. I have absolutely no idea how it works."   
"But, sir, that's the most elementary machine in the control room. Even children know how the water recycling process works."   
"Well, yeah, but I wasn't paying attention when the technicians told me how it worked."

"Oh."

"You know, when I think about all the people still plugged into the Matrix towers, I still can't help but think that we're plugged into these machines here."   
"But, we control them."   
"You're right. We could smash them to bits, if we wanted to. But then we'd have to do something about of heat, or water, our oxygen."   
"So, you're saying that the machines are really controlling us?"   
"Yes, I am."   
"Crap."

"AS I SAID, I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WATER MACHINE THING DOES WHAT IT DOES, AND I DON'T—"

"Wait, why are you yelling?"   
"Sorry. The author accidentally pressed the Caps Lock button."   
"Oh."   
"Anyway, as I was saying, I don't know how that water machine does what it does, and I'm not quite sure how you do some of the things you do—"

"Oh, it's quite simple. Whenever something like a fist or a bullet comes at me, everything goes into slow-motion, and then—"

"Shut up! Now, I don't know how you do some of the things you do, but I just hope we know that reason before it's too late."

Neo groaned.

The next day, Link had gotten a call from Neo. The Oracle had contacted the Caduceus, asking to meet with Neo, and the Nebucadnezzar needed to leave right away. 

"Morpheus said this is how it's gonna happen," Link told Zee. "I don't know. Maybe the prophecy is true, maybe pigs fly. All I know is that ship needs an operator. Right now, that operator's me."

"What, you mean, like, _now_, now?"   
"Well, depends what you mean by 'now'. Do you mean, like, right this second, now? Or, like, this day?"   
"Probably somewhere around 'right this minute'."   
"Oh, okay, them I'm not the ship's technician right now, but I will be soon!"   
"Well, if you're gonna go, where this."   
Zee handed Link a necklace.

"What's this?"   
"It's a necklace I found in the garbage next door. I'm assuming it's lucky."   
"Okay, fine."   
Link took the necklace.

Outside, at the docks, Neo, Trinity and Morpheus were heading into the Nebucadnezzar.

Just as they were about to go in, Bane walked up behind them.   
"Neo."   
"Bane? What are you doing here?"   
"I just wanted to say goodbye before you left."   
"Well...thanks, I guess."

Zoom in on Bane's knife, which is weird that he has it, because he doesn't even use it.

Bane walked off.

"Neo!" yelled a voice from around the corner.

"Oh, god," said Neo.

Hamster ran up to him. Neo drew his gun and held it to his head.

"Make one annoying remark and I blow your brains out."   
"No, I just wanted to give you this. It's a gift from one of the orphans."   
Hamster handed Neo a bundle wrapped in cloth.

"Oh," said Neo. He threw his gun behind him.

"Ow! Someone threw a gun at me!"

Neo took the bundle and unwrapped it. It was a crudely made spoon.

"Hey! A spoon! I can use this for my pudding! No more eating with my fingers for me!"   
"No, it was from that bald British kid in the monk costume."   
"Oh. Oh...oh! Spoon Boy! Oh, yeah, now I get it!"   
Neo looked down at the spoon.

"There is no spoon," he said, concentrating very hard.

"Look, Neo," said Hamster, "I understand if you don't like the gift, but you don't have to pretend it doesn't exist."   
The spoon began to telekinetically contort itself.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S ALIVE!" screamed Hamster.

"No, I'm just bending it with my mind—"

"RUN! RUN! RUN AWAY FROM THE DEMON SPOON! DEMON SPOOOON!!"   
Hamster ran away screaming.

"Well, that was weird," commented Neo. He turned back to the spoon. He continued bending it. But, it was too crudely made, and it snapped in half after a few seconds.

"Uh-oh," murmured Neo. He looked around and tossed the spoon away.

"Okay, I think the swelling from that gun that hit my head is going down—ow! Now a spoon's hit my head! This is a bad day for me!"

Author's Notes: Please help fight narcolepsy.

http:www.ninds.nih.gov/healthandmedical/disorders/narcolepdoc.htm


	4. The Burly Brawl

Author's Notes: Yay! The big scene with all the hundreds of Smith clones! Wee! 

**Chapter 4: The Burly Brawl

* * *

**

Lock angrily stormed up to Councilman Hamann. 

"Hamann, I am _so _mad at you!"   
"Why?"   
"You stole my cookie!"   
"No, I didn't!"   
"Yes, you did!"   
"No, I didn't!"   
"Oh, okay, never mind."

"Yay!"   
"Wait a second—you cleared the Nebucadnezzar for takeoff, didn't you?"   
"No, I cleared it for rip-off. So far, I've counted Dark City and Superman, and counting."   
"Oh."   
"But I didn't try to stop the Nebucadnezzar from leaving, though."

"But we need all the ships here in Zion!"   
"Our survival depends on more then how many ships we have."   
Lock stared at him.   
"Has anyone ever tried to put you in an old folks home?"   
"Several times, but I've escaped all of them!"

Meanwhile, in the Matrix, Neo, Trinity and Morpheus walked along Chinatown to meet the Oracle.

"Why are we in Chinatown?"   
"The Oracle wants you to meet someone in a room that's oddly perfect for a kung fu sequence who'll take you to her in."   
"Why there?"   
"I have absolutely no idea."   
"Well, here we are!" said Morpheus.   
"Wait a second," said Neo. "If I'm just going alone, then why did the two of you come?"   
"Effect."   
"Oh."   
Neo walked in the door. He found himself in a weird room. A creepy little man sat across the room. He was staring straight down and was wearing sunglasses.

"You are Neo," he said.

"Yeah."   
"You seek the Oracle."   
"Mm-hm."

"You are wondering why my character is needed in this already weird movie."   
"Totally."   
"You're not really listening to me, and you're just adding agreements whenever I finish my sentence."   
"Yeah, whatever."   
"LISTEN TO ME!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, what?"   
"My name is Seraph. They call me 'The Plot Device'."   
"My name is Neo. They called me 'The One'."

"Really?"   
"Yeah."   
"No way, man!"   
"Like, totally, dude!"   
"Well, whether you're the One or not —"

"I _am _the One!"   
"_Whether you're the One or not_," repeated Seraph, "I must apologise."

"For what?"

"For this.'

"For what?"   
"Well, if you hadn't interrupted me again, I would've started fighting you."   
"Oh."   
"Well, okay, let's fight."   
They ran at each other and started fighting. One unnecessary kung fu sequence later, Seraph stopped fighting Neo and jumped back to the side of the room.

"So, you _are _the One. Just checking."   
"You could have just asked."   
"No. You only truly know someone until you fight them."   
Neo punched Seraph in the face.

"I wanna get to know you," said Neo sarcastically.

"Anyway," said Seraph, "Follow me."   
Seraph led Neo through a door at the back of the room into a pristine white hallway that stretched on with an infinite amount of door.

"These are back doors, aren't they?" asked Neo. "Programmer access."   
"Yeah. I hate the backdoor. Sometimes I lock myself out."

"Are you a programmer?"   
"No."   
"Then, what are you?"   
"I protect the thing that matters most."   
"You didn't answer my question."   
"I know."

Seraph let Neo to one of the doors. He pushed it open. The door led to the Matrix. He was in a small basketball field in the Ghetto. He saw the Oracle, this wise psychic who was always there to help the rebels. She was sitting on a bench feeding crows. He walked over to her.

"Good to see you again, Neo!"   
"Hi, Queen Latifah!"   
"Umm...that's not me."

"Oh, well...umm..."   
"Think about where you know me from. Old...black...starts with an 'O'..."

"Umm...Oprah?"   
"Uh, no."   
"Oh, wait, are you the Oracle?"   
"Now you've got it.

"Well, I ain't gonna bite you," said the Oracle. "Come on, let me have a look at you."   
She examined Neo for a moment.

"My goodness, you turned out all right! How do you feel?"   
"I feel great! I feel great! I feel great! I feel great!"   
"Did you drink caffeine again?"

"No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"

"Calm down."   
"Sorry."

"Take a seat."   
"No, thanks."   
"TAKE A SEAT!"   
"Okey-dokey."   
Neo sat down next the Oracle on the bench.

"I knew you were gonna sit down!" said the Oracle. "Ooh! Psychic!"

"I'm scared!"   
"Anyway, let's get the obvious things out of the way."   
"You're not human."   
"Well, you can't get more obvious than that."   
"Yes you can.112."   
"Okay. Fine. Whatever. I was wrong."   
"Hahahahaha! The Oracle was wrong! The Oracle was wrong! Nyah-nyah! Nyah-nyah!"   
"Shut up."   
"Sorry. So, you're...what? A computer program? And so is Seraph?"   
"So far, so good."

"And...your power source is from the machine world."   
"Keep going!"   
"But if that's true, how can I trust you?"   
"Zing! Bingo! Yatzee! The price is right! How can you trust me? Doesn't that just put a zinger in your buttermilk?"

"Umm..."

"Well, you can either chose to trust me and listen to what I say, or chose to distrust me, and rejects what I have to say. The choice is yours."   
"But, if you know which decision I'm going to make, then how can I decide if I already have?"   
"You can't. You have to understand _why _you made the choice."

"I made the choice to listen to you because I don't want to be killed."   
"Oh, right. Candy?"   
"No thanks."   
The Oracle glared at him.

"Yeah, maybe I'll take some..."   
"I knew you were gonna do that!"

"Why are you here?"

"Same reason. I love candy."   
"But, I'm not here for candy."   
"And I'm not here for horseshoes, but you don't always get what you want, do you?"

"Umm..."   
"See those crows over there? At some point, a program was written to govern those exact birds. A program was written to govern the trees, the wind, the sunrise, the sunset. There are programs all around us. But, the good programs are always invisible. You'd never know they were there. But other programs that don't do what they're told, you hear about those all the time."   
"I've never heard of them."   
"Oh, sure you have! Whenever you hear about someone who saw an angle, a ghost, a vampire, a werewolf, an albino. That's just a program system doing a program that it's not supposed to be doing."   
"Why?"   
"Well, mostly 'cause it faces deletion because a new or better program gets created. It can either hide here, or return to the Source."   
Neo nodded.

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," he said.   
"Tell me about your dreams."   
"Well, I'm in a hallway, then I go to a door with a bright light on the other side, and then I see Trinity being chased by an agent. She jumps out a window, the agents jumps after her, and they both start shooting at each other, and a bullet hits Trinity, and she starts to fall, and then right before she hits the ground, my dream changes, and I see Richard Simmons and a guy in a Hot Dog suit playing Pokémon, and then—"

"Shut up."

"Okay."   
"But you don't actually see her die?"   
"No."

"Well, you have the gift of seeing occurrences without time."   
"But why don't I see her die?"   
"We can't see the result of a choice we haven't made yet."   
"So, you're saying that I'm gonna have to decide whether Trinity lives or dies?"   
"Yes."   
"Oh, no."   
"You're screwed."   
"Yeah."

"Wait a second...I know...I just won't decide! Nothing can happen if I don't decide!"   
"No, moron! You have to decide!"   
"Why?"   
"Because you're the One!"   
"Crap. It used to be just me and my computer in my life, and nothing else. Well, and that bald guy that borrowed stuff from me and never gave it back. He still owes me that GIF disc of dancing monkeys! Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, my life used to be so simple. Now, I have to decide whether to save the human race or save my girlfriend. I wish I had a time machine like in Austin Powers 2, then I could go back in time and make two of myself. Hey, didn't I already have a time machine? It looked like a phone booth, and I got it from George Carlin..."

The Oracle stared at him.   
"Okay, now you're creepin' me out."

"Alex Winter...what ever happened to that guy?"

"Shut up."

"Sorry."

"Oracle, we must go for no reason except to move along the plot!"   
"Coming, Seraph."

The Oracle turned to Neo.

"I'm sorry that every time I meet with you I have nothing but bad news. But I think it'll turn out in the end. You're a nice kid. Good luck."   
The Oracle and Seraph walked over to the door and disappeared into the backdoor files.

Neo did not notice Agent Smith walking up behind him.

Or did he...?   
Dun dun duuuuun!

No, he didn't.

"Mr. Anderson," he said. "Surprised to see me?"   
"No, not really."   
"Wha...? Why not? I came up behind you and everything, and I made sure my feet didn't make any noise..."   
"Smith, I see you all the time. I saw you last week. You were in my room, trying to steal my iPod."   
"Oh, yeah! I forgot about that! Well, anyway, 'member a few months ago, when I killed you, and then you blew me up?"   
"Oh, yeah! That ruled!"   
"We should do that again sometime!"   
"Yeah, yeah..."   
"Anyway, after you exploded me, I gained the power to make clones of myself."   
"Why?"   
"I dunno. Plot device."

"I see."   
"Okay, now, let's fight."   
"Why?"   
"Because that's the only thing the audience likes about The Matrix. The kung fu."   
"That's not true! What about the story line?"   
"The story line? Man, the only story line in this movie is Morpheus being creepy, boring speeches by me, the Architect saying a bunch of words no one's heard of, and you getting laid. The public does not want to hear about that sort of thing. And the author's readers do not want to hear about that stuff either."

"Readers?"   
"Oh, I'm sorry, I meant _reader_, of course."   
"That's better."   
"Okay, now we can fight."

"I know this is a weird movie, but I need a better reason than the script makes no sense."   
"Well, I don't like you."   
"Why not?"   
"Because me and the other clones don't like it when strangers dressed all in black with sunglasses come up out of no where."   
Just then, several Smiths with black suits and sunglasses appeared.

"I'm Smith clone extra #1."

"I'm Smith clone extra #2."

"I'm Smith clone extra #3."

"I'm Smith clone extra #4."

"And I'm Smith clone extra #67."

"Wait, you don't come in yet!"   
"Oh, sorry. I thought it was my turn. Wearing sunglasses 24/7 kind of gives you bad eyesight."

"Yeah, I know, I crashed into a tree yesterday."

"Okay, let's fight!"

The Smiths ran up to him.

"I'm gonna get you!"

_Crash!_

"Maybe not!"

"Here I come!"

_Smack!   
_"That was uncalled for!"

"Oh! Comin' from behind!"

_Bash!   
_"I probably shouldn't have told you..."

"Oh! Here I go!"

_Smash!_

"Ooooooh nooo heeeeelp meeee Iiiiiiii'm faaaaalliiiing iiiiiin slooooow mooootiiiooon!" 

At that moment, Agent...Johnson? Jones? Thompson? Brown? Smith? Oh, wait, not Smith. Umm...one of those other guys.

Anyway, at that moment, one of the other agents heard Neo was in the Matrix, so he came up to try to help him. At first, he saw that every agent there was had heard Neo was in the Matrix, and they were all fighting him at once, but then, he looked closer at the faces of those agents, and saw what they all had in common.

"Oh my god...they're all wearing sunglasses! What a total clash! Like, call the fashion police!"

The one Smith who's kind of like the leader walked up to him.

"Wee-ooo-weee-ooo-weee-ooo, Agent Jones," he said.

He stuck his hand into Jones' stomach. Agent Smith began turning into a Smith clone.

"Why does this take so long?" asked Smith.

"Sorry, what? I was reading a magazine. Oh, here we go!"   
Jones' mouth was now engulfed in the goo.

"Yes! Go! Go! Go! Turn into Jell-O! Turn into Jell-O!"

Jones turned into a Smith clone.

"Aww, crap! I can never get this trick right!"

"Hey, now I'm a Smith clone! Cool! Hey, wait a second, my hairline is reclining! Change me back!"   
"No can do, Stu!" sang Smith. "Hey! I'm a poet, and I didn't even realize it!"

Meanwhile, the Smiths were in mid-fight with Neo. Neo was able to fend them off mostly, but after a second, he lost his guard, and a Smith knocked him into a bench.

"GASP!"   
"You broke the bench!"   
"City maintenance is gonna have to pay for that!"

Neo got up and ran over to a pipe sticking out of the ground.

"Wow! An oddly conveniently placed pipe! I'd better take it out of the ground!"

He started to.

"Hhhhgggghh!"

Nothing.

"Hhhrrrrrggghhh!"

Nothing.

"Man, this is taking a long time," said a Smith.

"Wait a second...hey, look over there!" yelled Neo.

"Where? Here?"   
"Yes! There!"   
Neo took out a pickaxe and began smashing away the ground around the pipe.

"I don't see anything."   
"Keep looking!"

_Chunk! Chunk! Chunk!_

"What's that noise?"   
"It sounds like a pickaxe against asphalt."   
"Let's turn around."   
"Oh, crap," said Neo.

"Hey! He's stealing our pipe!"   
"Get him!"   
Neo finally got the pipe out of the ground.

"This is for the pipe!" yelled a Smith as he ran forward. Neo smacked the concrete stuck on the end of the pipe into the Smith's face.

"Ow! My digitally super-imposed Hugo Weaving face!"

The Smith smashed into a brick wall.

"Oh...I'm so embarrassed! There goes my raise!"

Neo spun around the pipe a whole lot, then turn to the Smiths, paused, waited, waited, waited...waited...waited...waited...waited...waited...and then motioned towards the Smiths. They all ran at him at once. He jumped up into the air, and spun around with his pipe.

"Weeeee! I'm flying! I'm like a fairy! With my magical wand!"

He landed on the ground. He planted the pipe into the ground, and jumped up, and began spinning around horizontally, smacking all the Smiths in the face.

"Haha! I'm like the Wheel of Fortune! Hahaha!"

Neo jumped up and started running around on the heads of the Smiths.

"Aaaah! Get him off! Get him off!"

"Oh no! The ground is made of lava! I can't touch the ground! Oh no!"

He fell off after a few seconds. He got up, but two Smiths grabbed the pipe from him. They swung it at him, but he yelled, "Hey! Limbo!"   
He leaned down and went under the pipe.

"How low can you go?"

He went out the other side of the pipe, and he started fending off Smiths again. But one of the Smiths knocked him over. All the Smiths started jumping on him.

"Haha! Doggie pile!"   
"Doggie pile!"   
"Doggie pile!"

"Doggie pile on Neo!"   
"Hahaha!"

All of the Smiths were now on top of Neo.

"Ow! Ow! You're on my leg! You're on my leg!"   
"Hey, guys, get up! I can't breathe!"

"It is inevitable, Mr. Anderson!"

"Smith, last time you said my death was inevitable, you got hit by a train."   
Smith paused, and then quickly looked around.

"Ha! There aren't any train tracks around here! It _is_ inevitable!"

"Er...uh...well...I have cooties!"

"YOU HAVE COOTIES? AAAH!"

All the Smiths immediately dived away from Neo in horror of getting cooties.

They all landed painfully.

"Hey! I broke my $200 sunglasses! You're paying for that!"

The Smith ran up to Neo with a bill.   
"No way I'm going through all the trouble of stealing $200 dollars from Morpheus."   
He paused.   
"Well, _again_, I mean."

Neo quickly flew off.

"You copyrighted technique infringer! DC'll be on you like Bill Gates on a small computer company!"

But Neo was already gone. The Smiths exchanged glances.

"Well, what do we do now?"   
"We could have a party."   
"Yeah! A party!"   
"What kind?"   
"An Agent Smith Lookalike Party!"   
"Yeah!"

All the Smiths started walking away. Except for the main Smith. He stayed there, thinking about how he could catch Neo next time he flew away.

"I bet if I jumped high enough...oh, screw it."

Author's Notes: I need your feedback, dudes! Please review!


	5. The Merovingian

Author's Notes: Hey! I remember this story from a couple of years ago! Well, it seems that way, anyway. Sorry for the delay. Oh, and HyperMew, you don't have to sign your reviews "-TEF" anymore. I know who you are.

**Chapter 5: The Merovingian

* * *

**

Neo had just escaped from the Smiths, and was now back on the Nebucadnezzar.

"Neo, what happened?"  
"It was Smith."  
"There was more than one of them?"  
"Oh, jou'd bettah believe it, man."

"How?"  
"He's found a way to copy himself."  
"How?"  
"Well, duh! He's a computer program! Copy and paste!"

"Oh, right."  
"Well, anyway, he tried to do that to me."

"Whoa! What happened?"  
"I dunno, but when he did it, I felt like I was back in that hallway, and I was dying…and I was stealing the numbers off doors to confuse the mailman."

Meanwhile, in the Council Hall, in Zion, Lock was explaining Zion's terrible situation.

"The machines are tunneling to avoid the security system, but to do so, they have to go through the pipe line system. I believe we can intercept them there."  
"Uh-huh."  
"I need the council's verification to do this procedure."

"Whatev."

"Cool."

"Hey, yo, what's the dilly-yo on the Neb, y'all?"

"N2M, G-Homey."

"Well, send someone out to find it."  
"We can't lose another ship!"  
"Yes, we can."  
"No, we can't!"  
"Physically, we can. We shouldn't lose it, but we can."  
"Um…"  
"You were wrong! HA!"  
"Oh, god."  
He began to sing.

"_Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I'm smarter than you are! I am so super-intelligent! I-N-T_…_L_…et cetera…"

"Seriously, we really can't afford to lose another ship!"  
"Don't make me sing the song again."  
"Fine…we _shouldn't_ afford to lose another ship."

"I know, but…it's my decision, not yours, so ha-ha-ha!"

"Crap."  
"Well, who's brave enough to send their ship to go get the Nebucadnezzar?"

A man in the audience stood up.

"I volunteer!"  
"You volunteer to go on a mission that will have you stuck in the Matrix for weeks, that you might not return alive from?"  
"Um…what?"  
"Alright! Volunteer number one!"

"NO!"

"Number two? Anybody?"

In the audience, Bane leaned forward to the guy in front of him.

"I think we should volunteer."  
"I don't."  
"Boo!"  
"What happened to your voice? It's all…weird. Like your trying to speak American when you're really English."  
"Oh, well, um…I didn't think anyone would notice that my voice has suddenly changed…I guess Smith did a bad job Photoshop-ing him onto me…"  
"Smith? You mean, _Agent _Smith? What about him?"  
"Look at neuralizer, please."  
_FLASH!_

AS IN, 'I WISH I KNEW HOW TO USE FLASH!'  
Niobe stood up.

"I volunteer, too!"  
Hamann began to yell annoyingly like an auctioneer.

"I GOT ONE VOLUNTEER ANYTHING ELSE I GOT A VOLUNTEER DO I HEAR TWO HOW ABOUT A THREE NO I DON'T HERE A THREE ANY TWO'S NO TWO'S AND IT'S SOLD! To Niobe!"

"Yay!"  
"Court adjourned! Now, I'm gonna go get some cheesecake!"

Lock stormed up to Niobe.

"How could you do that?"

"Easy. Like this: 'I volunteer, too!' See?"  
"Oh, right."  
"Hamann's right. You really _aren't _intligent."

"Hey! Were you insulting my intellectual capacity? Hey! 'Intellectual'! That's sounds like 'Intel'! I use an Intel Pentium 4 Processor in my computer! But it's a terrible computer! It's, like, Windows 98! It's _so _slow! It takes, like, an _hour _to load _one _page! And furthermore—Niobe? Niobe? Where'd you go?"

The Matrix

A Building Somewhere

A restaurant

Morpheus, Neo and Trinity walked down the hallway towards the entrance to the restaurant. They came up to a small Maitre 'd.

"Can I help you?"  
"I don't know—can you?"

"Do you want me to?"  
"What if we do?"

"Do you, or do you not?"  
"Would you help us if we wanted help?"  
"What's your favourite colour?"

"What?"  
"I was just seeing how long we could answer questions with questions."  
"I see."  
"Yes, I can help you."  
"We're looking for the Merovingian."

"Right this way."  
Inside the restaurant, the Maitre d' led the three of them up to a long table at the end of the room. They sat down in front of it. A small man with a black blazer and a smug look on his face.

"Greetings! I am the Merovingian," he said to them in a thick French accent.

"The Mervo-Ginger Bread Man?"  
"No. Merovingian."  
"Oh."  
"This is my wife, Persephone."

"Purple Phone?"  
"No. Persephone."

"Oh."  
"Anyway, what did you want to ask me?"

"We want to know about the Keymaker," said Morpheus.  
"Who's that?" asked Neo.  
"Neo, you don't know who the Keymaker is?"  
"No! I don't! No one's mentioned it before!"

"Hmm…you're right. Stupid plot holes."

"Hey, has anyone noticed how long the author's gone without any actual text?"  
"Hey, you're right! It's just been dialogue for, like, 15 lines!"  
"Well, I'm going to end it right now," said the Merovingian. "And now, I shall go into an excessively long speech about that girl over there who I would really like to screw."  
"Oh, here we go…" muttered Neo. "Another long, boring speech…why do they always happen to me?"

"Well, see that woman over there? My god, isn't she hot? Man, I just want to go over there and—"

"You know, I _am _right here," said Persephone.

"I know, I know, but still! Man, she's so hot! I mean, look at her! You just know those two dudes at that table are totally turned on. And a few people at this table, too…" he added with a sly smile.

Trinity looked around nervously.

"She's going to receive a special dessert today. I wrote it myself."  
A waiter walked up to her and set down a slice of chocolate cake. She began to eat it.

"First, a rush... heat... her heart flutters. You can see it, Neo, yes?"

"I'm not even listening anymore. I tuned out after 'Well'."

"Well, I don't care. Anyway, time to say my big speech."

He inhaled deeply.

"She does not understand why—is it the wine? No. What is it then, what is the reason? And soon it does not matter, soon the why and the reason are gone, and all that matters is the feeling itself. This is the nature of the universe. We struggle against it, we fight to deny it, but it is of course pretense, it is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance, the truth is we are completely out of control. Causality."

"Sentence fragment!" yelled Agent Johnson.

"There is no escape from it; we are forever slaves to it. Our only hope, our only peace is to understand it, to understand the 'why.' 'Why' is what separates us from them, you from me. 'Why' is the only real social power, without it you are powerless. And this is how you come to me, without 'why,' without power. Another link in the chain."

The Merovingian began gasping for breath.

"Man…that took…a long time…to say…eh, Neo?"  
"Man, what is it with you computer programs and using words that I've never heard of? With the Merovingian, it's 'causality'! With the Architect, it's 'concertedly'! With Smith, it's 'purpose'! God!"

The Merovingian picked up his glass of wine and looked at it for a second.

"This is such great wine… Château Haut-Brion, 1959. I love it. I love the French language, too. Especially cursing in it. _Si tu peux comprend le Français, tu sais que je ne dit pas les jurons. Enfer, si tu comprend le Français, c'est comme je parle danse une langue sècret. Mais, probablement, personne qui lire ca comprende le Français._ I bet no one understood that."  
"Nope!" said Neo.

"Nope!" said all of my readers.

"Anyway, I have the Keymaker, and there's nothing you can do about it! Nyaah-nyaah! Well, this place is boring. I'm outta here."

"Where are you going?"  
"I drank to much wine, and now I am going to swear, just to make me sound intelligent, and now I have to take a piss."

"Oh."

One of the Merovingian's (thank you, copy and paste!) assistants reached to help up Trinity from her chair.  
"Touch me, and that hand will never touch anything again."

The guy still reached for Trinity's shoulder. As soon as he touched her, he exploded.

Author's Notes: I just always thought that's what would've happened.

"Well, that was cool," said Neo.

The three of them walked out and went into the hallway.

"That didn't go well," commented Neo.  
"Yes, it did," replied Morpheus.  
"No, it didn't!"

"Yes, it did!"

"No, it didn't!"  
"Wanna bet?"

"You're on!"

"It went well because if it went any other way we would be dead!"  
"Um…crap."  
"HA! Pay up!"

"Are you sure the Oracer didn't say anything else?" asked Trinity.  
"'Oracer'?"

"Oh, sorry, I meant 'Oracle'. I've been spending too much time with Seraph."  
"I see. And no, the Oracle didn't say anything else."

"She didn't? Aww, man! I had a bet running with Morpheus!"

Trinity shoved money into Morpheus' hand.

"This is my lucky day!" said Morpheus.

Just then, Persephone came up in front of them.

"Hey, Purse Phone," said Neo.  
"You want to have the Keymaker?"  
"In what way do you mean?" asked Neo in an almost nervous voice.

"Follow me," she said. She led them into a men's bathroom. She turned to a guy in there.

"Get out!" she said in a very deep voice. She turned to the three of them.

"I've been practising my Donatella Versaci impression," she said. "Now, if you want the thing you desire, I need a favour."  
"Uh-oh," said Neo. "It's that party at college all over again…"

"Kiss me."  
"What?"

Just then, a car crashed through the window and Doctor Octopus came up, and—oh, wait, this is the Matrix 2, not Spider-Man 2. My bad.

"I just want a kiss. When me and that Mervi-guy whatever his name is got here, he was different. But now, he has changed. And I just want a sample of true love. Kiss me, like you would kiss her, and I will give you the Keymaker."  
"I don't know…"  
"Come on, Neo, it's your only choice," said Morpheus, who was at that moment, eating a bag of popcorn.

"You mean…I'm aloud to make out with this touch-tone chick?"

"Yeah, whatever."

"Yay!"  
"Neo and Persephone began making out. After a few minutes, Neo drew back and said, "Wow! That was way better that what I normally get!"

Trinity glared at him.

"Now, Trinity, he was only doing what had to be done," said Morpheus, as he took a drink from his Coke bottle. "Focus!"

Persephone led the Neb crew through a secret passageway or something like that I can't remember to a room with some bookshelves and two guys watching a movie.

"Hey, Persephone," said one of them.  
"Who is it?" asked the other, not taking his eyes from the T.V.

"It's Persephone."  
"Wasssaaap!"

"Hey, pick up the other line!"

"WASSSSAAA!"  
"WAASSSSAAAA!"  
"AAAAAH!"  
"AAAAAAAH!"  
"Okay, seriously!" yelled Persephone. "This joke is not funny anymore! The only reason Radioactive uses it is if he can't think of any other jokes! And to all the readers out there, if you're laughing at this, then you'd better book a Cat Scan as soon as possible, 'cause something must be wrong."

"Yeah, you're right, I'll stop it."

"Okay, good. I'm gonna shoot you now."

"Wait—what?"

_BLAM!_

"Ouch."  
"Okay, now, other guy, go tell Mervo-guy what I did."

"Okay!"

He ran off.

"Now," said Persephone, "I will show you through the kitchen to a secret dungeon or something the author can't remember."

And they did so and they went into a weird dungeon and opened that door and they were then in that room with all the keys and that creepy guy sitting at the table.

"Hi. I'm Neo."

"……grumble grumble……"

"What?"  
"…grumble…mumble grumble…"  
"What?"  
"I said, 'I'm the Keymaker. I've been expecting you.'"

"Oh."

"Grumble."

Neo eyed the Keymaker strangely.

Then they went into that fancy room with the stairs and all the convientley placed weapons. The Merovingian stormed in with some other guys.

"How could you do this to me?" he cried.

"Just like you said, Merv. Causality."

"There is no cause for this!"  
"What about the lipstick?"  
"Lipstick? Ha! There is no 'lipstick'!"

"She was not kissing your face."

"OooooOOOOOOoooo!" yelled a Jerry Springer-esque audience.

Persephone walked off, while Morpheus and Trinity ran off with the Keymaker.

"Creepy guys with braided hair," said Merv. "After them. Guards, take care of trenchcoat man over here."  
Neo turned to all the guys.

"Whoa."

They ran up to him and started fighting. Neo defeated them all (what a surprise) but at one point, he got his hand cut by an axe.

"Owie! Owie! I got a paper cut! I need a Band-Aid! Owie-owie-owie!"

"See? He's just human. Kill him!"

They ran up. They fought. He won. It's hard to make these scenes funny.

"Mark my words, boy, and mark them well!" yelled Merv. "I have survived your predecessors, I will survive you, and this entire remark is _way _too cliché!"

"I agree."

Merv ran out through the door. Neo opened it up. It was the door to Bill Gate's house.  
"Oh, hey, Neo! You're just in time to get a haircut with me!"  
"NOOOOO!"

Neo slammed the door and re-opened it.

"Hey! I'm in the mountains!"  
"Hey!" said Link. "You're in the mountains!"

"I know. I just said that."  
"Sorry."

"S'okay, my 'dawg!"

"Sweet!"

Meanwhile, in a…_parking garage_…

Trinity and Morpheus were fighting off the Twins. After a few seconds, Morpheus was able to distract the Twins enough for Trinity and the Keymaker to get into the car.

"Morpheus, quick! Get into this Cadillac Avalanche!"

"Coming!"

Morpheus dived towards the open window.

"Noooooooooooooooooo!"

"Why are you jumping so slowly?"  
"Draaamaaatiiiiic eeeffeeect," he explained.

"Oh."  
Morpheus got into the car, and the car took off.

"There's only one thing that we could catch up to that Cadillac Avalanche…a Cadillac Escalade!"

The Twins got into the Escalade and began chasing the Avalanche.

"But Morpheus," cried Trinity. "You're going on to the freeway!"  
"I am? Oh, crap, I must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. I just know this will result in millions of dollars of special effects for a 7-minute scene."

Author's Notes: Once again, very sorry about the delay. Next time (in a few months) the Freeway chase. Oooh!


End file.
